Trauma Bonds

Trauma Bonds are a serious mental condition that most people I've talked to aren't fully aware of. Once you learn about them though, it helps explain so much about unhealthy relationships - why people stay with an abusive partner, why children try so hard to be loved by their toxic parents, and why many people follow leaders who don’t serve their best interest. 

So what is a trauma bond?

By definition, it's an emotional attachment developed out of a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. 

Abuse? Devaluation? Sounds like things most people would tend to avoid. However, they don't typically happen right away or all the time. One way to think of it is the emotional rollercoaster relationship that we’ve all either been in or witnessed. 

The Cycle of Love Bombing

A trauma bond often begins with love bombing: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them. This person will show you their best self, playing into everything they think you want - showering you with gifts, doing nice things for you, telling you how special you are. This best behavior is only temporary though and it’s very common for the abuse to get worse with each cycle. 

Romantic relationships.

There are so many people who have been in or are currently in a toxic relationship. And their friends and family always wonder why they stay with a person who treats them so badly. But because the abuse builds slowly over time, and is coupled with waves of love bombing, it’s hard for the person experiencing the trauma bond to realize this is what’s happening to them. It gets even harder when the relationship grows over time and starts to feel intertwined, almost like you need this person. 

Parent-child relationships. 

There's something psychologically wrong with the parent but of course the child is too young to understand this. They need their parents for their basic needs, physical and emotional. The parent berates the child for embarrassing them in public or for getting a bad grade. They also spoil the child with toys because that's how they know to show love. 

Systemic trauma bonds? 

This one isn't intended to get you heated. But the government makes things hard for us (i.e lack of sufficient minimum wage based on the rise in the cost of living and inflation over the last several decades) but then gives everyone bonus money to help us through covid. I won't get too much into this one because it's very politically charged, but I do want you to be aware of how the system can be involved in trauma bonds. It can also be found between leaders of a cult and their members (think Scientology). 

Brain chemistry

Okay, so now that we know trauma bonds exist, why are they so common when they are so negative? Well, in regards to the cycle of these bonds, the good tends to outweigh the bad on a biochemical level. This is similar to the way drug addicts get stuck on something that’s killing them. There is a physical addiction to the person who is treating you like shit. Also like chasing a drug high, people are nostalgic about the good times and cling to the possibility and hope that they can get back to the good. 

Boundaries

So how do we, as individuals and as a society, break these toxic bonds? Self worth. No matter what a person does for you, you are capable of either doing for yourself or getting help from someone else. Build your support system and use it. Verbally affirm the good parts of yourself and do it often. If someone hurts your feelings by putting you down or degrading you, stand up to them. This is hard for non-confrontational people, but you need to learn how to do it. If you let them do it once, they’ll do it again and worse. You’re not a bad person if you block someone from your life. You’re the only one who can ultimately save yourself/mental health. Wish them well and pray they find the help they need. But know that it’s not your job to save them.